Crushes are weird things. I try to put rules on them, set them within safe parameters, but attraction doesn’t like to follow the rules.
Let me tell you another secret. As a Christian girl who’s still fairly young and single, who would like a man who loves Jesus, Crushes don’t always follow my “must love Jesus” rule. I come in contact with a large pool of people on a regular basis. And I’m a girl with all the tendencies girls have. I may act like an ice queen sometimes because I’m shy initially, but once you break that shy ice, you are mine, and I will claim you in all my quirkiness. So when you’re a young man around my age with that particular eye color I’m a sucker for, and you elbow past my shyness– whether I’m ready or not– things will start to get interesting.
For me, interesting is not always a good term. In Katie-speak, “interesting” is what I call those people who drive me bonkers and who I can’t figure out.
Here’s what no one tells you in Sunday school class about being a single, Christian girl in a world full of unsaved men:
It hurts sometimes. No one tells you that you might actually feel something toward one of those unsaved guys. No one tells you that you might build hopes (or your uncooperative heart might) on someone God probably doesn’t want you building anything on. That it might give you headaches and cost you sleep, and it might take up a lot of prayer time with your Father.
No one tells you, you will hear people say: “He’s not a Christian… Missionary dating never works… So-and-so let a guy turn her head, and she ended up miserable”–no one tells you, you’ll hear all that (even preach it to yourself), but you’ll still want to stamp your feet and reply: “Yeah, but…” or at least scream: “But that’s not fair.”
No one tells you, you’ll say those silly cliche’s to yourself. “Well, if I just pray hard enough, he’ll get saved,” and then dream God will work the miracle. After all, “if you have the faith of a mustard seed!” But in the back of your head, you know this isn’t how the world works, which in thinking feels like a slap in the face of God, who can work the impossible. But is He going to work THIS impossible?
No one tells you, you will become a walking, talking bundle of contradictions, and the fact that you let yourself be led to this place, or that God let you be led to this place, just feels cruel.
Then you think: “This has always been my weakness. I have always wanted this TOO much. Maybe I wouldn’t be in this place if I wanted it less.” (Oh, the discontent!)
But there is no switch to flip, and you realize you can’t turn it off. This is one electric current you’re just going to have to ride out. It’s just that, at this “Ah-ha” moment, you realize that “riding it out” could easily mean tipping in either direction.
You could easily become the girl who’s just another statistic, or you could trust God, as blind as you feel, and watch Him do something amazing, knowing full well that the amazing you WANT is never the amazing that you GET. That life is crazy, but your path is never outside God’s sovereignty. That when He lets us trip over our hopes and bruise our own hearts, He has a plan to knit us up stronger, wiser than before. That our plans about how life should go are never HIS plans about how life WILL go. That in the crazy, dark places we never foresaw slipping into and yet somehow feel we crafted for ourselves, we are not alone or abandoned, and God still speaks to our hearts.
Here is the thing that blows my mind: God wants us (girls!!) to live our crushes, our attractions, different than the world, just like everything else in our lives. Other girls would look at these men like meat. God asks us to look on them as a man, an empty heart longing for God. God asks you to respect him and be kind and patient when he–as a lost soul– acts like a lost soul. God’s probably gonna ask you to give him/it/that crush up someday, and that’s okay, too, because this isn’t about you finding your soulmate . (This isn’t even about getting asked out on a date!) This is about you learning what God wants you to learn from this.
It has nothing to do with the fact that as a girl some days it would be nice if this guy just saw you. The truth is you are just you, the one he likes with his eyes when he smiles, the one he remembers only in the context in which you live for him. Maybe you are a person to share with but never learn about. A face to look for in the window. Someone to wave to. And that’s okay. Maybe while he’s looking for his meat, God wants you to be some kindness. Maybe the only God-kindness he’ll ever know. Maybe the only girl in his whole life who will ever treat him with the respect God gives.
And if that’s all you ever are to that Crush, that’s probably more than okay with God, too.
“Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.”